dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
