i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
