So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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