I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
