I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
