i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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