I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Someone shattered a urinal.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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