i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
you didnt know i had herpes?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Randomize
