You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
