i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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