Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
