I'm jealous of your bromance
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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