This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
sarcasm needs its own font
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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