how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
