Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
