I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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