Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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