6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
