I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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