k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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