Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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