You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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