her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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