take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
