Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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