And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
