Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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