i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
