why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
