im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
