Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
