she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
