In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
