We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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