oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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