Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Randomize
