1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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