alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
