So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
