You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
