Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
