Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
