i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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