I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
