fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You can't just leave with hair like that
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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