I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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