Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
