you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
