The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
