You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
