the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Im part way to drunk.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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